PLEASE CONTACT CLASP CHARITY IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF INSTANT HELP OR RELIEF
It is well documented that Stephen Fry talked about how he has regular suicidal thoughts as part of his bipolar condition.
A person with a high profile suffering with bipolar disorder for a long period of time. I too have suffered with suicidal thinking three times in my life due to circumstances that where totally out of my control. In this post I will discuss my experience and hope to help you realize things can improve.
Note : I am dyslexic so apologies if you find grammar and spelling mistakes..i will glance over it again in the coming days.
Your life feels as though everything is going wrong, maybe due to no circumstance of your own, you feel desperate, alone and with no clear avenue of a positive future and no one to help you. It seems like there is only one way out and that one way is to start again by taking your own life.
Drastic and selfish it may seem to those looking in but when you are in a desperate state of mind it is a feeling of darkness that engulfs your every essence and until you feel it yourself you will never understand just how devastating it can be to become this severely depressed.
Its not the end, its your soul telling you to stop and take a different direction
When you have struggled for so long, whether its negative bank balance, addictions, career, family, relationship or friends problems or a combination of a few things that you have accepted in your life, in my opinion, it is a sign to stop something! If you had a twin and they knew your struggle they would say.
“Stop right now! Your life is more important than any of these dramas in your life! Don’t whatever you do take your own life, this may be the darkest time you have experienced in your life so far but as the saying goes when you reach the bottom the only way is UP! BELIEVE IT, IT IS TRUE!
I hope I can help you
If you came to this article due to a google search, you came here for a reason & it is likely you are feeling suicidal or very low. I know what it is like to feel extremely depressed and suicidal, it is like feeling stuck in a pit with no way out but you CAN get out no matter how you feel, you CAN get help and it WILL make you a stronger person when you get well again. If you are in need of urgent help please contact CLASP charity or another professional as soon as possible.
I’ve been there
Who am I to say I think I know how you feel? I am just an ordinary guy with ordinary dreams & ordinary wants..nothing special…just a working class man trying to find a way in life…but I will tell you my story with the hope I can help you realize things can and do get better for YOU!
I admit I never recovered 100% from my experiences and became a regular suffer from severe anxiety instead of depression but at least suicidal thinking is no longer making an appearance in my life.
As a young child, I had always enjoyed being creative, drawing all the time, designing computer games, painting & even designing my own paranormal activity magazine. A definite creative urge was in me from a young age and I knew that it was what I wanted to do. I was very fortunate as a young child, my family life was excellent and very loving and the primary school I lived in was known as “the haven on the hill” by the educational establishment, looking back I thank my parents for choosing such a good school for pre-secondary school life.
Life was going great
I loved being creative and by 21 I decided to study the art foundation, a taster course in all the arts. This was the first time I really began to excel at art and got noticed for it. I had to discuss my work with the whole 100 people on the course because the teachers were that impressed, I felt I had found my calling and I felt as though I had real worth.
Whilst on this course I decided to undertake architecture rather than Graphics or Fine Art because Architecture had the potential to make the most money and most likely to lead to a job after I graduate..so I thought.
Started Architecture degree
As you may have already gathered I am more arty than technical and studying architecture is really more about technical aspects than the creative. Creative spatial creation was important but the degree wasn’t as a creative degree as I would have liked.
Met a girl
In my first year, I met a girl who was in her last year of her degree on course for a first class degree and a job offer for Jim Henderson studios after she graduates. We fell deeply in love with each and she decided to give up her opportunity to be with me, love was more important to her than a career so she stayed in the city with me…the first year was great but then the problems started…
Giving up her opportunity
When she gave up her huge opportunity for me she had to find work and she thought working in a bank would be a good bet for a good career. She was wrong she wasn’t even earning 10k a year and then she got acussed of stealing. I supported her through it as she broke down being accused of such a thing. I was in my 2nd year and I was struggling to concentrate…I was there for her always, I was achieving 80% ( First class designs ) but when this started to happen my work got effected and I was barely passing each project. It was too stressful and I did consider leaving her…but i couldn’t do that, she needed me.
Arguing with family
Not only did she break down in her job but she began to argue with my sister and begrudge me seeing my little sister who was only 9 years old at the time, she felt I wasn’t giving her enough attention and she sometimes got jealous of how close I was to her..my older sister never got on with her, my younger sister tried hard but my ex had a lot of walls up. This surely was a sign things were going the wrong way but I stayed with her anyway…
She was from a single parent family and her mother wasn’t very well. She was so ill that she had to get about in a wheel chair, had a colostomy bag and she wanted it reversing so she could live a normal life again. The doctors said that there was a slim chance she would survive but she went ahead with it because she was so sick and tired of living that way. Her family were not from the city I was from, they were raised in the south part of the country so she had to travel…I was in my last year of my architecture degree on my most major project so stayed back to finish it.
Operation went wrong
The operation didn’t go to plan…i didn’t know what to do! It was my last year of study to complete my BA hons and now she wanted me to go down south…should I jeopardize my degree and future career as an architect or should I try and finish it. I concluded her mother would want me to complete it so i tried to do so…but there was too much going on…I ended up doing my worst work so far.
My lecturer was very compassionate and understanding as I explained why my work was so poor, he offered me the chance to resit the project so I did so…I didn’t want to finish my degree on such a bad level…I would never become an architect with that work.
Grandad passes away
My grandad, then my gran and my nan passed away all within a few years. When my grandad passed away I felt like I wanted to make sure I became an architect even more. I said… I’ll do it for you!! ( My grandad loved painting ) It was a very sad time losing all my grandparents in such a short space of time.
Doing extra work
So I was back to the degree to finish what I had started but also undertook a night school course in 3dsmax9 to enhance my chances of getting a good job once I graduate. This time I did better work, not amazing work but fairly good stuff so I managed to graduate with a substantial grade and with a pass in 3dsmax9 too. My skills were advanced for my stage of education but then the unthinkable happened…
The recession happened and a 3000% reduction in architecture positions. My partner wasn’t supportive and accused me of not looking hard enough for a job and said if I didn’t find something she would leave me. I couldn’t believe it…all the hard work and heart ache had led to this? I had tried so hard at architecture, doing extra work and my girl wasn’t supportive to me like I was to her during her difficulties. I stayed with this girl through all her problems, arguments with family, gave her my everything even when I had my work to focus on . This was my first breakdown and feeling of hopelessness, depression and suicidal feeling.
As my ex had changed her profession to teaching she suggested I try it too…I never wanted to teach. Never in my life but it gave £1000 a month plus student loan so I gave it a go. A 2-year course in retraining as an IT teacher. It was exciting at the university, new programs, new things to learn, particularly loving flash, HTML and media programs! The creative was still in me.
First placement was weird! I was a teacher, teaching people! Madness, what a turn up for the books. Someone who didn’t even like secondary school or politics was teaching! I soon gained confidence in the classroom and I was feeling quite appreciated for my creativity again until…
Second Placement, second breakdown
…my university sent me to a school that was shutting down and the mentor there was not very nice or professional. She made my life very difficult, I had to complete 3 units of work ( when the rest of my university classmates were creating one), making me lie to children I was teaching that I was a games designer & many other incidents. It was very difficult and no student care on part of my university! She made me feel worthless, the second time I couldn’t do a profession and again due to nothing I had done but circumstances…I pushed through the placement to ensure the bullies didn’t win and then collapsed. I felt suicidal..what was the point? Where did I fit into society? I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Signed off University
My course was suspended due to my mental state to give me time to recover. Due to the errors of the university they sent me to a private school that was very nice. Even so my experiences of the previous placement remained and every day was a challenge, I was very anxious and being in the classroom reminded me of how bad I felt. I didn’t want to be there…but I wanted to complete the course to say I did it even in the face of the problems I had encountered.
Losing my mind
Not feeling like I had a place in the world since Architecture graduation in 2008 remained with me till I graduated in teaching in 2011 and when I eventually did leave teaching that July I had the worst breakdown I had ever had, shivering and sweating with no point of being alive, the world seemed very dark and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I had no idea of what I was going to do for a career, totally broke after putting over 30k into education that had led me nowhere, a relationship that was unsupportive and the romance in my relationship had long died ever since her problems began to interfere with my education in 2006…i felt trapped and wanted to end my life properly for the first time…
My parents took me back home and looked after me, the place I had been brought up as a child and enjoyed so much. I was back in the place I felt happiest. I was sleeping mostly for the first few months, my mind had taken a lot over the last few years..I was fortunate to have my family to care for me maybe I wouldn’t have survived without them…5 months of my recovery passed but i was making little progress and my ex could take no more and left me on boxing day.
Sometimes when you breakdown it allows you to stop and refocus your life
So you see, I have been close to death myself a few times in my life…when life gets bleak, it can get totally on top of us and make us feel there is no good in the world anymore but actually..the world is full of good but it took something drastic to realize it.
After all this negative experience I am now a branding, web, graphics designer & artist. I have gone back to my most favourite subject whilst in my early 20’s the subject I felt the most appreciated in. Having the breakdown and all the difficulties along the way to reach where I am now has helped me to lead a more fulfilling life and I am more grateful to every opportunity when it arrives. I have never fully recovered from the experience as I still suffer from anxiety in social places due to how the world had made me feel over that 5 year period but to make sure I remain positive and continue to improve and develop I look at what I have on a regular basis in gratitude : –
- A great job working with great people
- Knowledge of how to deal with people that are unkind
- A beautiful wife
- A family that will always be there for me
- Sorting my finances out
- A more compassionate heart
- More open minded
- Less fear of change or the unknown
Make your own list, what can you be grateful for? I am sure there is a lot of things!
Life can get better, don’t give up!
So my message is this : –
Take a step back if you are very depressed and readdress what is making you feel low. Can it be changed? Is a relationship adding value to your life? Realize that you have the power to change your life, it is all down to you and your perceptions. YOU can accept what life has given you or you can decide to change it all around, it just takes you to make the decision to stop allowing things to happen to you and instead make things happen that you want to happen! Go get the life you want, time waits for no man.