When we are wronged by somebody or we make bad decisions for our life we get annoyed, frustrated, and disappointed. We can ask ourselves should I forgive someone who has wronged me? We question whether we are angry with the perpetrator or, in fact, ourselves. But as the old saying goes, ‘anger is like holding a hot coal in your hand expecting someone else to get burnt’. Sometimes it’s better to try to understand the power that forgiveness can have in you dealing with your problems. In this article, we give examples and why learning to forgive will, in the end, help you.
Should I Forgive Someone Who Has Wronged Me? To Forgive Does Not Mean To Forget
Whether a person has hurt you, physically, mentally, or emotionally, it does little good to your peace of mind if you hold on to that anger and resentment. The feeling of vengeance only destroys your peace of mind. You think of only ways to get your own back and stops you from living a fulfilling life.
By forgiving does not mean you have to forget what happened. In fact, you should never forget what happened. Reflection on what happened is important. Reflection ensures you learn to deal with similar situations correctly in the future when they may arise.
Instead of forgetting what happened, reflect on the situation, and then learn to build an acceptance that it happened and you learned lessons. Any wrongdoing is beyond our control to change. It is only realising there is a lesson to learn about ourselves. How we deal with the past wrongdoing is what gives us peace of mind.
Seeing Things From The Perspective of The Wrongdoer
It is hard not to feel hate for someone when they intentionally go out of their way to make your life difficult. But why does someone do something bad to someone else in the first place? Someone who is confident and happy in themselves in every way will never intentionally go out of their way to hurt somebody. No one wants to bring any ill-feeling or difficulty to anybody.
Coming from a place of an alternative perspective of the person who has made your life difficult can help you in understanding what happened. It can, in turn, let you develop compassion for your ‘enemy’ rather than hatred, vengeance, and violence.
Example Of Why Should I Forgive Someone Who Has Wronged Me?
For example, when I, the founder of Seek A Therapy was training to become a teacher in my 2nd school placement I was sent to a school that was closing due to amalgamation. The other school was more successful. The two people who were to be my ‘mentors’ at first were welcoming. Particularly as I suggested to write 3 units of work ( even though my fellow students at university were writing one ). They appeared to get on well with me for the first week, but things changed…
It came to pass that the two of them ended up taking a dislike to me, thus making my life very difficult.
They told me to tell lies to the children that I was a games designer. To shout at the children when I didn’t need to. They would not help with learning how to teach. They would lie to my tutors at university saying I was not coping and basically playing a lot of mind games saying things behind my back.
Lost control of career
Feeling they were in total control of my situation, career, my ability to teach, and income I started to suffer. They even made out that I was not coping when in fact I was doing three times as much work as anyone else!
These were just some of the things they did to make my life difficult and in the end, I had my first bad breakdown.
It also led me to not pursuing teaching as a profession ( although I completed the degree in defiance even though I found it hard to be in a school after this experience ). They took my self-esteem and my ability to pursue a profession where I could have helped many people into a better future.
Looking from their perspective
I could have been annoyed with them and looked for vengeance, but instead, albeit it, with time, I looked at their lives from their perspective.
I realized they were losing their job and I was a young ambitious person, liked by those I taught and I understood there was a lot going on in their lives so why I probably bared the brunt of their difficulties. In the end, I learned to not let anyone treat me the way they did ever again and to not let anyone else I work with be treated that way either. That was the lesson I learned from these two mentors.
If I had chosen anger
If I had become angry it would have just led to me being kicked out of the university so instead, I complained to my university lecturers and wished that they never are allowed to mentor student teachers again. I did not want revenge, I just wanted to ensure no one else would experience what I had.
It took five years to forgive them totally how they treated me and in the end led to me finding a profession I truly enjoy. Web, graphics, branding and STILL helping people.
So you see, something positive comes out of forgiving your enemy. You can move forward with your life more easily.
Usually, we forgive ourselves but sometimes we don’t
Part of how I was treated was down to how I reacted to their mistreatment towards me.
If I had been more assertive and less afraid of their power over my education and future, it may have been different. If I had communicated that I was unhappy maybe I would never have had a breakdown. Maybe, they would have changed their attitude towards me.
Annoyed at myself for allowing it to happen
For a long while after this experience, I was annoyed with myself.
Something that often happens…we reflect afterward at what we should have said or done differently.
We can become so frustrated with ourselves for not acting in a better way that we just feel more anger and frustration.
This kind of thought can bring on thoughts of shame, regret, and hurt. We wish for a way to be able to erase it from our lives…but we cant…we have to forgive and we have to move on.
Learn to forgive ourselves
We must learn to forgive ourselves for bad decisions and unwanted experiences. The only person who will really get burnt by being annoyed and frustrated by ourselves is, unfortunately, only ourselves.
Learn to develop empathy for yourself. Be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did what you could at the time. When you see someone else who has done wrong in another’s eyes remember that person has a story to tell. It is probable to say that is also probably a reason why they chose to take out their pain on you or someone else…
Don’t blame yourself, let go of the feeling of shame and regret. Then you will be able to move on. If you need help to see the better side of things don’t hesitate to contact a therapist who can help you deal with your experience, feelings, and thoughts. Specialists like psychotherapists and counselors will be able to help you work through your experience.
Should I Forgive Someone Who Has Wronged Me No Matter The Act To Myself?
So if you have understood your wrongdoer’s reason for the action they have taken on you, things begin to change. You have accepted that you should have reacted differently to the situation, you have learned your lessons and you feel begin to feel lighter. Your mind starts to lift from a heavy, dark, and confusing place to an acceptance that it was ‘a life lesson’.
For me, I learned to never let anyone I meet treat me that badly EVER again. I would communicate with my dissatisfaction if I saw people mistreating myself or others. I learned the importance of having acceptable standards, assertiveness, and being my true self. Not trying to people please others by doing what they say and standing for what you believe in.
What can you learn from your misfortune that comes from a place of empathy and love rather than hate and vengeance?
Every cloud has a silver lining, find yours in your experience! If you need help, do seek the help of a psychotherapist or counselor.
Should I Forgive Someone Who Has Wronged Me? Harboring Past Hurts Only Hurts One Person
It took a while to overcome the disappointment of my Architecture graduation in May 2008 and then, followed by the breakdown caused by two women who were losing their jobs whilst teaching 2008 – 2011. I was angry and frustrated for quite a few years but in the end, I was the only one hurting from those thoughts.
Slowly, years later, I learned to forgive and I chose to turn the anger and frustration into a fire in my heart. It drove me forward in a positive way to find what I truly wanted to do with my life. It allowed me to become kinder and more driven to help people who also struggle for whatever reason and I’d try to help them whenever I can.
Forgive and you shall be forgiven. Your mind will be at peace.
Asking Yourself Why The Perpetrator Did What They Did
When we look back at the painful experience we had and we reflect on why the perpetrator did what they did we can develop compassion and understanding which can lead to forgiveness and peace of mind for ourselves.
Rather than seeking revenge for wrongdoing there are other ways we can act. Acceptance, acceptance that it was a past mistake, and that it will never happen again is something very important to your healing process.
Saying this, never be passive and allow the perpetrator to continue to hurt you. Stand up for yourself, but once the pain has stopped, learning to forgive them and yourself.
Once Forgiven, You Can Stop Being Stuck In The Past
Once you have managed to understand your past is not who you are, no matter what happened, it is just a lesson.
When you learn to forgive both the perpetrator, the situation, and yourself for the bad experience life becomes easier.
Only then can you gain peace of mind and confidence in yourself. Finally, allowing yourself to move forward.
Learn from experiences, forgive your foe, accept your own mistake, and move forward.
So what do you think now when you ask yourself should I forgive someone who has wronged me?
In Conclusion, Should I Forgive Someone Who Has Wronged Me?
Next time you ask yourself should I forgive someone who has wronged me I hope you choose yes. There are so many benefits to yourself which I will go over briefly again here : –
- Can Learn Lessons – Once forgiven, you can reflect on the experience and learn lessons from the challenging time.
- Stops You Hurting – By forgiving someone who wronged you it stops you from carrying the wounds of the situation. When we learn to forgive we become more at peace.
- Reflect On Their Behaviour – This allows you to see the situation from a different perspective and can develop compassion, empathy, and understanding of human behavior.
- Stops you Being Stuck In the Past – Forgiveness allows you to stop focusing on what happened and allows you to keep moving forward.
- Allows You To Heal – Finally, the most important is that when you forgive you begin to heal. You slowly let the pain go and you live a fulfilling life again.
We hope this article helps you realize, the next time you ask yourself should I forgive someone who has wronged me, you know the answer is yes. Have you any thoughts on forgiveness in healing after reading the article? Please comment below.